It’s been a while since I’ve written, but recently, the urge has been too strong to ignore. I’ve been
making so many excuses; work is too busy, my days are too short, my body is too tired.
Subsequently, I have been feeling particularly lost; my subconscience has been telling me that now is the right time to see where this goes. So wish me luck.
Although I have not uploaded a blog entry since I was fifteen and fiery and determined to save the world, I have not stopped writing. There’s three years’ worth of anger and heartbreak and ecstasy and friendship stored in a little yellow journal on my bedside table – but those thoughts are just for me, I think (not that you’d want to see them – it’s all a bit of a mess).
I not am reigniting ‘Sincerely Grace’ for anyone but myself. I have finally given myself permission to
do things that I actually want to do. It’s quite refreshing.
I have always determined my self-worth on how I am perceived by other people. It is something so
viscerally ingrained in me (a bi-product of high functioning anxiety, I think) and shaking off the
constant pressure I put on myself is not an easy task. I have spent a long time searching for an outlet
– a release, a break from my own head. This entry will reflect on my search for a constant and how it has seemingly led me back to this blog.
In my younger years, I played team sport, which didn’t work. Making a mistake – a small, technical
error – would send me into a spiral of insecurity. I would question my abilities, and look at my team
mates and wonder why they’d even bothered to give me a chance. My father and brother are avid
competitors and naturally gifted at sports; it appears I missed out on that particular gene. It’s not that I was a poor player, or lacked competency, I just didn’t have enough confidence to keep
going when I felt that I’d let the team down.
Socialising hasn’t ever helped, either. I am not the easy, breezy, happy-go-lucky type who can mingle
with new people and engage comfortably in small talk about the weather. Being in crowds of
strangers makes me pretty nervous, actually. Whilst I have several beautiful friends who thrive in social environments – the girls who glisten under fluorescent lights and attract attention without even
trying - I tend to draw in, to make myself small and less noticeable. I don’t want to bother anyone
and I don’t want to be in anyone’s way.
When my mental health collapsed, I turned to self-harm. This was, by far, the most toxic yet most
addictive form of release. I needed to feel in control, I needed to stop thinking. I thought that by
manifesting the pain onto my skin, the world would get that I was fighting a constant, raging,
abhorrent war against myself. People seem to empathise more with physical injury, and I don’t
blame them – it is something tangible, something that can be seen. Something that can be
understood.
It is so, so difficult to explain mental illness, to put those feelings into words, because most of the
time you don’t even know what you’re feeling. It’s everything, or it’s nothing. Fortunately, self-harm
is a cycle that can be broken – I have been clean for almost a year. It was a dangerous respite that I
did not want to inflict upon myself any further. My mental health has improved drastically in the
past six months and I have found healthier ways of coping with those overwhelming life moments.
In all of this, in the trials and errors and chaos and monotony of being alive, I have found that relying
on the creative side of my brain is what slows it all down and makes it manageable. I have always
sought relief in writing, which, I guess, is why I’m here. Writing allows me to take the mess of
thoughts that swirl around in my mind and turn them into something structured and lucid. And
poring over the finished product always gives me the most incredible sense of accomplishment.
Music helps, too. So does reading. And journaling. And yoga, and talking with my friends, and singing in the car, and running along the beach.
I think the most important thing that you can do when you have no idea what you’re doing with your
life is to make time for what brings you peace. When everything is uncertain, find a constant.
I have heard the expression ‘Be fearless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire.’ While stepping
out of your comfort zone is absolutely necessary for growth and experience, it is equally important
to pursue things that soothe your soul. Things that bring you comfort and safety and warmth.
I have learnt that in order to reach a true, harmonious balance, you must find the calm within the
chaos. You must live with both zeal and patience, ambition and humility, passion and empathy. You
must find what makes you feel alive and embrace what makes you feel human. Yin and yang, sun
and moon, fire and ice. They go hand in hand.
Listen to what is calling you, angels.
Sincerely, Grace
No comments:
Post a Comment