time heals everything, baby

It’s late on a Saturday night, ‘Malibu Nights’ by LANY is playing, I’m drinking green tea, there’s a caramel scented candle burning and I’m about to dissect my darkest, most private thoughts for a blog entry. Just casual.

I think we can all agree that being in love is fucking awesome and being heartbroken is fucking awful. I’ve spent far too much time (anxious, existential dread time) wondering if being in love is worth it – if it compensates for the heartbreak. I’m hoping that if I reflect on that here, I’ll come to some kind of conclusion about it all. 

I was fourteen when I first loved someone and I remember everything. I remember looking at him like he hung the stars in the sky and being with him felt like home. We talked on the phone for hours and promised each other dumb stuff. We were so young and so stupid, but we loved each other very much and that was all that mattered.

It ended, like most things do, and being truly heartbroken was nothing like I expected it to be. I did not eat ice cream in my pyjamas and watch sad movies till I fell asleep. I did not cut off all my hair in some bold attempt at reclaiming my sense of self. I did not burn his clothes in a raging fire. The experience was not a cute, month-long journey to self-discovery. I did not emerge confident and graceful and all the wiser.

Speaking candidly, it was pretty much the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. I think I spent most of winter 2018 crying, and I’m giggling as I type this because it sounds like such a cliché, but I don’t think there was a day from May to August where I didn’t cry at least once. On the bus home, in the school bathroom, at the dinner table, in class, with my friends, on my own, at work, in bed, on the shower floor, at the gym.

It’s funny, I can recall the relationship so vividly, but remembering the breakup is difficult. The days blur into each other. I know that there were lots of panic attacks, and lots of counselling sessions, and not much sleep, and suppressed appetite, and subsequent weight loss, and dry hair and breakouts, and so much music, and complete hopelessness. I really wish I was exaggerating, but I was a giant mess. 

I desperately sought a way to make things easier, but the truth is that there is no cure-all fix to getting over someone. I think that is what I struggled with most – it is such a personal experience and what works for one person might not work for someone else. Heartbreak is not one-size-fits-all, it is not romantic, it is not empowering. It sucks. 

There is one conversation that stuck with me, though. I confided in one of my friends – a very special woman who means more to me than she’ll ever know – and she told me that I had to fill in the gap that he had left. Love is an energy, and like all energy, it cannot be created or destroyed. I had to find people that I could love wholly until I could love myself again.

Finding worthy people was incredibly easy. I leaned so heavily on my friends – they picked me up off the floor and made me laugh till my ribs were tight and held me through every breakdown. My pain was their pain and they made the load a little lighter. I could see them flourishing and I wanted to do the same, and it was through them that I found myself again. Loving them was effortless.

I didn’t think I would ever love anyone as much as I loved him, until I spent some time with myself. Now it comes naturally.

It took about three months for the crying to cease. After six months, I no longer felt the need to see my counsellor. Eight months on and I had fully made my peace with what had happened. Sometimes, you have to hit your absolute rock bottom before you can find the light again. You have to allow yourself to be hurt, and wallow in it for a while, and then begin to pick up the pieces.

For most of us, heartbreak is inevitable. If you are collapsed on the bathroom floor and you can’t see through the tears and the emptiness is expanding in your chest, I want you to know that their absence does not make you less worthy of love. You are so beautiful. You are brave for giving yourself so entirely to someone else, and I am so proud of you for that. Vulnerability is not weakness – it is trust in its purest form.

I don’t know if I will ever experience anything like that again, but I know that I cannot let it hold me back. Love really is all we have, it is why we are here, it is what motivates us and fulfils us and gives us hope. We must choose love, always.

You are going to be okay. Time heals everything, baby.

Sincerely, Grace

the chaos and the calm

It’s been a while since I’ve written, but recently, the urge has been too strong to ignore. I’ve been
making so many excuses; work is too busy, my days are too short, my body is too tired.
Subsequently, I have been feeling particularly lost; my subconscience has been telling me that now is the right time to see where this goes. So wish me luck.

Although I have not uploaded a blog entry since I was fifteen and fiery and determined to save the world, I have not stopped writing. There’s three years’ worth of anger and heartbreak and ecstasy and friendship stored in a little yellow journal on my bedside table – but those thoughts are just for me, I think (not that you’d want to see them – it’s all a bit of a mess).

I not am reigniting ‘Sincerely Grace’ for anyone but myself. I have finally given myself permission to
do things that I actually want to do. It’s quite refreshing.

I have always determined my self-worth on how I am perceived by other people. It is something so
viscerally ingrained in me (a bi-product of high functioning anxiety, I think) and shaking off the
constant pressure I put on myself is not an easy task. I have spent a long time searching for an outlet
– a release, a break from my own head. This entry will reflect on my search for a constant and how it has seemingly led me back to this blog.

In my younger years, I played team sport, which didn’t work. Making a mistake – a small, technical
error – would send me into a spiral of insecurity. I would question my abilities, and look at my team
mates and wonder why they’d even bothered to give me a chance. My father and brother are avid
competitors and naturally gifted at sports; it appears I missed out on that particular gene. It’s not that I was a poor player, or lacked competency, I just didn’t have enough confidence to keep
going when I felt that I’d let the team down.

Socialising hasn’t ever helped, either. I am not the easy, breezy, happy-go-lucky type who can mingle
with new people and engage comfortably in small talk about the weather. Being in crowds of
strangers makes me pretty nervous, actually. Whilst I have several beautiful friends who thrive in social environments – the girls who glisten under fluorescent lights and attract attention without even
trying - I tend to draw in, to make myself small and less noticeable. I don’t want to bother anyone
and I don’t want to be in anyone’s way.

When my mental health collapsed, I turned to self-harm. This was, by far, the most toxic yet most
addictive form of release. I needed to feel in control, I needed to stop thinking. I thought that by
manifesting the pain onto my skin, the world would get that I was fighting a constant, raging,
abhorrent war against myself. People seem to empathise more with physical injury, and I don’t
blame them – it is something tangible, something that can be seen. Something that can be
understood.

It is so, so difficult to explain mental illness, to put those feelings into words, because most of the
time you don’t even know what you’re feeling. It’s everything, or it’s nothing. Fortunately, self-harm
is a cycle that can be broken – I have been clean for almost a year. It was a dangerous respite that I
did not want to inflict upon myself any further. My mental health has improved drastically in the
past six months and I have found healthier ways of coping with those overwhelming life moments.

In all of this, in the trials and errors and chaos and monotony of being alive, I have found that relying
on the creative side of my brain is what slows it all down and makes it manageable. I have always
sought relief in writing, which, I guess, is why I’m here. Writing allows me to take the mess of
thoughts that swirl around in my mind and turn them into something structured and lucid. And
poring over the finished product always gives me the most incredible sense of accomplishment.

Music helps, too. So does reading. And journaling. And yoga, and talking with my friends, and singing in the car, and running along the beach.

I think the most important thing that you can do when you have no idea what you’re doing with your
life is to make time for what brings you peace. When everything is uncertain, find a constant.
I have heard the expression ‘Be fearless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire.’ While stepping
out of your comfort zone is absolutely necessary for growth and experience, it is equally important
to pursue things that soothe your soul. Things that bring you comfort and safety and warmth.

I have learnt that in order to reach a true, harmonious balance, you must find the calm within the
chaos. You must live with both zeal and patience, ambition and humility, passion and empathy. You
must find what makes you feel alive and embrace what makes you feel human. Yin and yang, sun
and moon, fire and ice. They go hand in hand.

Listen to what is calling you, angels.

Sincerely, Grace

2016

'If you were born with the weakness to fall, you were born with the strength to rise.' - Rupi Kaur, milk & honey

For many, 2016 was a pretty tumultuous year, and sadly not in a progressive nor uplifting way. With political chaos, financial downturn, further destruction of war-torn countries and several deaths of some of our most beloved celebrities, it’s not hard to understand why some would rather forget about the year altogether. But, in all of the sadness and confusion and anger and frustration, we can’t disregard some of the good things that happened this year.

Child mortality rates have gone down globally. The numbers of wild tigers, manatees and pandas are growing worldwide. Scientists are on their way to finding treatment for ALS, thanks to the power of the internet. Volunteers in India planted 50 million trees in less than 24 hours. World crime as a whole has decreased drastically. Finland legalised same-sex marriage. Leonardo di Caprio won an Oscar. There’s a new Harry Potter book. Frank Ocean released a new album.

Now I know it’s incredibly clichéd to write an entry that recaps the year gone by, but I know I’m not the only one who can say that for them, 2016 has been a year of growth. It’s to be expected, considering that I’m only fifteen and that something would be very wrong if I was the exact same person I was at the start of the year. Honestly, the one thing 2016 taught me is that nothing is permanent. Change is inevitable, and it should be welcomed.

In March I went vegetarian. I can sincerely say it was the best decision I’ve ever made, despite the fact that I’m now the butt of every light-hearted meat joke and severely iron-deficient (my own fault). If you are considering making the change, I would tell you to jump straight in and don’t look back; your body will thank you for it.

In June I was fortunate enough to be part of a beautiful fundraiser for one of my very beautiful friends. The profits from the fundraiser went towards her endearing quest to help sick kids, and I know I speak for everyone involved when I say that she went above and beyond want it means to be a compassionate person.

December was by far the most emotional month of the year. It went from one extreme to another; from running around airports and getting lost in big cities, to bawling my eyes out whilst seeing my favourite band live. From cutting off toxic people and ending a particularly unhealthy relationship, to having to say goodbye to one of the grooviest souls I know. I’d been along every stage of the spectrum.

As glad as I am to put 2016 behind me, there will always be a sense of gratitude for what it has taught me. Fearing change will disable you, it will mar you, and it will put you at a disadvantage. Embracing change leads to growth, and the opportunity to grow in any way, spiritually, emotionally or physically, should be placed of upmost priority.

I hope 2017 is kind to you.

Sincerely, Grace

The Science of Peace

'I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.' - Unknown

I’ve been asked in the past where the topics of my blogs originate from, and to be honest, I don’t even know myself. Often, something will happen during my monotonous daily routine that moves me, or angers me, or saddens me. It’s like a flame that just won’t burn out; I could be thinking about it for days on end, and it just won’t dwindle until I write.

That’s pretty much what happened today, in a double period of science. Our teacher was discussing the stages of the life of a star, and how, over billions of years, the death of a star meant implosion. This implosion could result in either the formation of a neutron star, or the creation of a black hole, depending on the mass of the star. He explained how black holes absorbed everything slower than light, so it was astronomically impossible to escape.

This discussion left me wondering, and I began to see comparisons between the life of a star and the history of our own human race.

Since the beginning of our existence, humans have been involved in every sort of conflict, with the consequential severity of said conflicts steadily increasing as the need for power catches up with the radical developments of technology. Our past has never seen a more contrasted earth; from the war-torn countries of the Middle East and the impoverished nations of Africa to the divided population of the US and the financially unstable republics of Europe. We as a human race are reaching the climax of our history, and just as the life of a star reaches its end, we too are approaching a peak of enmity that will be the deciding factor in our continuity.

Are we our own black hole? Are we edging closer and closer to self-destruction, as a result of power-hungry leaders and bad decisions? Will our lack of unity, love and peace lead to our downfall? Or will we minimise our problems and become strong and stable?

Personally, I believe that with empathy and compassion, the human race can redeem itself and begin to mend the problems caused by instability and poor judgement. By focusing on helping those negatively affected by war, disease and poverty, we are securing a future and contributing to one that is bright, stable and healthy, just like that same neutron star.

There are so many groups that help affected refugees and families who have found themselves in danger as a result of conflict or poverty. As individuals, we can offer these people what they need to survive; whether it is money, time or physical aid.

The value of compassion is beyond words; without it, there would be only selfishness, greed and ignorance. So be kind, and empathetic, and observe the impact your actions have on those around you, and beyond.

Sincerely, Grace

This Is What It’s Come To

Disclaimer: This entry was written with love and empathy. If you are sensitive to topics of domestic violence or sexual harassment, this entry might not be for you x

There’s always a breaking point. It’s that simple. It only takes one tiny action to get you to that point; the point where your eyes are open and you’re seeing the world in a different light.

We hear every day about tragic cases of domestic violence, harassment and rape towards women. The statistics are enough to scare us into silence; in Australia, 62% of women and 8% of men experienced their most recent incident of physical assault by a male in their home. But, instead of viewing these victims as statistics, let’s view them as real people. One in five women in Australia will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime – that’s about 2.3 million women nationwide. As someone who is proud of her femininity, and is constantly enveloped in a strong female sense of sisterhood, it is statistics like these that break my heart.

I reached my breaking point today after receiving tragic news of a relative who had been the victim of domestic violence in an abusive relationship. There’s a good chance she won’t make it home. Until today, I didn’t know how real domestic violence could be, and how many people it can affect; I am watching my entire extended family hold its breath for the slim possibility of a recovery.  

This is just one of millions of stories of domestic violence across Australia, and my family is one of thousands to be affected. It still shakes me to my core to know that even in a society riddled with situations like this, abusers and rapists are still walking away with nothing more than a slap on the wrist. 70% of sexual assault incidents are not reported to the police, and I can understand why. The first questions any victim of sexual assault is probably asked are, ‘What were you wearing? Were you drunk? Why were you there alone? Did you lead them on?’ Society points the finger at the victims, while those actually at fault walk free.

I am so lucky to have grown up in a strong and stable home, and to have been surrounded by such supportive male role models. I have been blessed with a solid group of men that I look up to and trust; from my dad, to my brother, to my male relatives and friends. As a child I was taught to respect everyone, no matter their race, gender, sexuality or religion. So to be so hastily exposed to how graphic these situations are, and to watch the people I love struggle to comprehend them, is beyond overwhelming.

I know that my opinionated personality can deter some people; my views have been described as ‘blurred’ and that I myself am a ‘feminazi.’ But I will not let the young women around me grow up learning to fear men; we must learn from each other, find balance within relationships, speak up when things get hard and respect each other as equals.

So please, if you or anyone you love is suffering under the hands of an abusive partner, speak up. Unity means power, and power means action. Your words will be heard. We will listen.

THERE IS NO ROOM FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IN OUR SOCIETY.

National support lines are available 24/7 for those who need help:

Beyondblue (mental health & anxiety): 1300 224 636

White Ribbon (domestic violence): 1800 737 732

You are loved, always.

Sincerely, Grace

The Beauty of Empowerment

“I don’t want to cover up anymore. Not my face, not my mind, not my soul, not my thoughts, not my dreams, not my struggles, not my emotional growth. Nothing.” –Alicia Keys for Lenny by Lena Dunham

Throughout my comparably short but otherwise intricate journey of adolescence, I have learnt five things that have helped me get through my bad days and taught me to appreciate the one thing that we as a human race all have in common; our inexplicable need for fulfillment.

1.       The right music heightens emotions.

2.       If you’ve got a beautiful group of friends who are filled with positivity and love, you will pick up on their vibrancy.

3.       Always be grateful for what you have. Always.

4.       Good grades aren’t everything. Life comes before school.

5.       Society and the media like to label things. They’ll have you believe you’re not good enough; not pretty enough, not smart enough, not thin enough, not muscular enough, too skinny, too curvy. The truth is you’ll never meet their standards; you’ll never be perfect. None of us will. But isn’t that such a relief? To know that you are you and I am me and we’re all perfectly imperfect and tied together in such a simple yet unique way?

Now, I’m not trying to preach that we have to be bubbly and positive and cheerful all the time. That seems like it would be really emotionally exhausting. I am simply sharing with you the things I wish I knew before I started high school, before this big and scary world showed me what it really meant to be a teenager and before I knew what society expected of me.

I know that I have previously discussed #5, but I’d like to talk about something that was recently broadcast in the media and caught my eye. When pop sensation Alicia Keys attended the BET Awards wearing no makeup, with her hair wrapped in a scarf while wearing a loose fitting playsuit, the social media world went crazy. Tabloids labelled the move as ‘daring’, yet praised Keys for ‘breaking the cycle’ of social standards.

Personally, I am 100% on board with the statement Keys made about going fresh-faced in the pop culture industry. I also want to acknowledge the impact this movement has had on the end of girl-on-girl hate, which is ever so prominent in the media today. What Keys has done will hopefully spark a notion for body positivity and acceptance amongst everyone.

Despite all this there is something that needs to be reiterated: NO GIRL OR BOY SHOULD EVER FEEL LIKE THEY ARE LESS OF A PERSON BECAUSE THEY WEAR MAKEUP. Don’t ever feel like you are a fake, like you are covering yourself up or like you have conformed to society’s standards. You do you. Rock that fresh face or slay that glam look. You’re beautiful either way.

Do I wear makeup? Yes.

Do I wear it because I’m insecure? No. 

Do I wear it for the attention of guys? No.

Do I wear it because I feel confident, because I enjoy the process and because I want to empower myself and the women around me? YES.

Sincerely Grace

The Generation of Double Standards

'The single story creates stereotypes, and the problem with stereotypes is not that they are untrue, but that they are incomplete. They make one story become the only story.’ -- Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Half of a Yellow Sun

We as teenagers are exposed to so much negativity in our everyday lives. From petty high school gossip to nasty Instagram comments, it appears we have grown accustomed to the seemingly never ending flow of hostility that has surrounded us as a generation. Through my day to day interactions at school, online and even amongst my own friends, I have begun to observe the snide comments that have been exchanged, and the whispered words that go unnoticed by most.

Because of this, I have sadly noticed just how far ‘slut-shaming’ has gone. So many girls are being labelled as ‘sluts’, ‘skanks’ or ‘whores’ based on their lifestyle choices and who they associate themselves with. And, to make the situation even more trivial, much of this unnecessary gossip is passed around by other girls. Many girls have been the victim of similar petty rumours, yet they ignore the hurt and pain they felt and choose to spread the rumours anyway.

I am ashamed to say that I too have taken part in the circulation of hurtful rumours by labelling someone based on a poor assumption or unfair judgement. But since learning of the impact this gossip has on those involved, I am making a conscious effort to become more aware of what I say and what is passed around between myself and those around me.

On a recent school retreat, a speaker was brought in to discuss the somewhat glamorised topic of sex. He raised many interesting points about the seemingly grey areas of teenage relationships that are focused on sex, and discussed the influence media has on our lives and the way we see each other and those of the opposite gender. Despite all this, what stood out to me most was a comment he made about the way women are perceived in relation to ‘sleeping around.’ He said that if a woman is known to have casual relationships with different men, she is labelled as a slut. However, he also noted that if a woman did not conform to any sort of sexual advancements posed to her by her male counterparts, she is seen as frigid or a prude. By comparing these two assumptions, one can construe that there seems to be a double standard for women, and that no matter where they are in terms of their private romantic relations, they will be judged either way.

With self-love already so hard to find, the last thing any teenager needs is catty, malicious, behind-back gossip to add onto the already tremendous pressure to conform to society’s standards.

To me, the judgmental attitude that society has created towards women is the main problem behind slut shaming amongst teenage girls, who are often so misinformed they consider believing everything they hear. By calling each other sluts, we are saying that it is acceptable for men to call us sluts, which is therefore condoning sexism and misogyny. This isn’t a problem that can just simply be resolved, as the cut runs too deep and the media influences that are so prominent in today’s world will continue to focus only on the judging of other people. But, just remember that words are powerful things, and can go far in terms of who they affect.

Girls, the sooner we think of each other as equals, the sooner society will treat us as such. We’re here to build each other up, not bring each other down.

Sincerely, Grace